in order to be joyful

I have to carry my own sadness.. this is what stops me .. because joy brings me alive, whereas depression leaves me deadened, but gives me the option to not have to carry it, that which is so big. but then others have to carry it for me.. I don't want them to. This is what happened to me.. others made me carry their sadness, grievously so. It has to stop somewhere. Someone has to stand up and start carrying it, even if it wasn't theirs to begin with. The prize is all of life. Can I give up all of life because I don't want this pain? Of course not, but how can I get myself to do it - more? Be disciplined comes the answer. Practice carrying other pain. More simple pains. To be able to be with the big pain. Ay-ya.. my simple soul.. am I able to do this? am I? I have love enough, but courage? Let's see.